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funny how sometimes old wounds still hurt and all it takes is your uncle to send you a picture of her to set you off and I am off. |
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I'm back in school now. It's kind of odd, not just working. I just finished sculpting the nose of a classmate and have started to work on said classmate's ear, still the most intriguing part of sculpting class is tea time. For our break we have tea and cookies and we sit out on the picnic tables and I think it's marvelous. It is nice to enjoy sculpting company. I met someone else who has teeth dreams. She also likes Bukowski. You could say we get along very well. On other notes, I kind of miss my friends. I hardly be seein mah niggas. :( Oh and I'm almost 18....isn't that wierd. |
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I want to go somewhere no one knows me. Somewhere I know no one. Some where I have no past. Somewhere I have no future. I am a waste of time, of space, of money, of feelings, of talent. I should be going to virginia in a month or two depending on the money i save. I keep thinking about not coming back. What would it matter. |
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ughh work keeps scheduling me to work on sundays and i told them when they hired me that that is the ONLY day I cannot work. I just got back from portland and now i'm back in reality...sucks. |
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Some perceive me as a statue and maybe I am, just a tangible lifeless figure often used in decoration. Though, I should not be on that pedestal and I'm sure eventually they will come to find that their reluctance was warranted and I'm just another pretty waste of time. |
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Animals licking light sockets. How would you feel? Woman tells her truth. Her truth only becomes a lie. Her lie becomes a tragedy and her tragedy affects us all. |
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I'm sitting and waiting for the belly of the beast to become full and then spit out what he has chewed. There are claws in my throat and the fires have reached my nasal passages. I'm almost jealous, though I know that my jealousy is unwanted and unwarranted. I keep rewinding the images in my head from the nights passed of glowing faces and verbal vomit. I keep thinking about my mental vomit and the words that I will never have to clean up because they will never receive the chance to be uttered. There is no time for opinions and to tell you the truth I could care less what you and you and you think. Substance is abiotic fuel for creativity and alaska is a limiting factor. Right now it is all about opposites. On normal days it is all about this one red tree in a sea of green. Today it is all about one green tree in a sea of red. |
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If I'm going to be kind of fat, why not just let myself go completely?! Someone's gotta love a fat girl. |
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I'm quite off lately, though there could be various reasons as to why. I've been trying to throw myself back into life, full force. Now, I've begun to second guess myself. Do I really want what I have been yearing for? I'm not sure, but either way it's the right decision. I'm just scared. I'm really afraid of actually giving a shit. All of this makes me sound like such a little bitch. I guess I just need to complain a little bit. I'm really not concerned with what anyone thinks anymore, only myself. I actually think that that might be worse, however. I mean, we are our own harshest critics. I guess I'll just have to bust.
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I'm 16 in one hour....i guess. haha ATTENTION!!! Cayla and Michelle: |
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I'm finished painting the guitar. It's alot like yours and mine and everyone else's in between. I do believe that the menstration of women was invented to make us want to commit suicide AND that is why I have horrific cycles. I had about 3 bad dreams last night, that is why Ia m wakuing up so late, I guess. Dream#1- I remember driving my mother's jeep, though I was still myself, still 15 years old(for another 2 weeks atleast), and still without a license. I was driving quite well and all and then some people decided to be idiots and I crashed. The driver of the other car was a big fat man who insisted that all of it was my fault. I remember thinking in the dream if I could get away with this accident if I had given him oral. hahaha Dream#2- I remember that Cory and Brian were killed. And I was completely miserable. I was to speak at an event about their lives and all I wanted to say was how rediculous the thought of their deaths coming about so suddenly was. Dream#3- I was in a wedding... I don't quite remember why, but I was and then I was with these three men, two worked for the third. Thr third was my date or husband or something. Then the two kidnapped me and planned to rape my sweet virgin ass. Anyway guys. You know how I do. |
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I love Cory. I wake up in the morning and I think about the way his broad shoulders are perfection. I love the way he talks to me, the way he looks at me, the way we fight, and I love being his perfection, just as he is mine. I love that instead of getting bored with him I become more interested with every minute we know eachother. I just am so happily in love. |
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If only my body could burst; forlorn from this brute and repelling wait in which time is just a mere child in the sea of passings, I have yet to embark. For I was never a stranger, overcome by coincidence. I was a newborn; fighting for an earthly cause, like the calling of the trees and the abuse of the clouds. The two shoes below the mirror were my teleporting sons and the evil breeze that had washed its grace of me seemed to unveil an ever luminous smile, portrayed in the form of a prepubescent child. Though, when I screamed for assistance the operator just put on a different accent and asked me to look out my window. She said that the crow's feet in the mud were a sign from God and that the rustling of the trees was the music I would never create. She said that my lack of passion and compassion would catch up to me on the days that I fell behind. She said that if I screamed the only people who would hear were the def. She said that if I took a closer look that maybe, just maybe I might possibly remember the colors of the flowers which grew from the cracks in the sidewalk and the faint lines which made up the sweet brutality of your face. |
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My absolute detachment for external surroundings leaves me heavy, though infallible. I feel particularly incapable of articulating my difference to the like, thus I seem to find comfort in aberration. Lately, I have come to find comfort in myself, may it be sullen. |
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so as usual, today I hung out with myself. and I finally downloaded fiona apple's extraordinary machine and it's just peachy. I love it.
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